Sunday, October 14, 2012

DAY 21

Sunday! Funday, supposedly, but I beg to differ. Today was long and tedious with only few moments of respite, granted me by my always-cool and highly entertaining coworkers.  Worked both the 1 PM and the 4 PM game, which is not usually the case, so I didn't get home until 10:30 PM.  I was feeling not great; honestly I've been in a funk since the film wrapped.  Before I get into that:

Workout 10.15:
Jumping Jacks
Jump Squat
16 - 15 - 15 - 14
45 sec - 60 sec - 45 sec - 45 sec

I didn't know if I had it in me for push ups or any leg work at all; because I went dancing last night after working, so my legs were extra tired; add a twice-as-long-as-usual-shift today and I really didn't think I could crank out my Day 2 amount of push up reps for the push up program I'm following.

In my last post, I mentioned how I was thinking of going back on my diet plan; basically reintroducing cheats and booze and whatever else.  Then it hit me.

I was ready to quit. Throw in the towel. Not just the diet, the whole challenge.  I gave up inside.  Somewhere I lost the bullheaded optimism with which I had entered my first challenge and I just felt tired, beaten, and like there was no point to trying. 

The combination of my personal shit plus post-film-depression sent me into a tailspin, and though my primary meals were mostly on diet, I started drinking way more, and then eating crap late at night. Not even because I was hungry (I've been super vigilant about making sure I'm always satisfied, hungry Cara is not a happy Cara, nor a functional one); it was 100% emotional eating.

And I realized it truly tonight. I had been rationalizing it, "Oh, I'm just easing up, I can always try again next challenge, etc" I knew it was BS because I didn't really want to quit. I still want to reach my goals.  But I just felt empty of will power.  And the fact that I didn't have the mental energy to keep striving toward the goals I knew I wanted, and in fact didn't even feel that driving desire anymore, was even more depressing, which just fed into the whole thing.

I have been on a serious roll in a lot of ways, so I guess the crash was inevitable; we all go through great, awesome periods and low periods where you feel like you just can't catch a break.  And even though it's been less than two weeks since the movie wrapped and that's not a very long time, I crashed hard.  And that's okay. The important thing is, I figured out what happened.

Once I realized I had given up, it (obviously) lit a fire under my ass, and I attacked my workout, determined to regain control. Completing that fired me up again.

So. I almost quit, but I caught myself.


No comments: