Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"When I was a child"

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” - 1 Corinthians 13:11

I have found that whenever I have any sort of profound realization about my life, it occurs in the calm, in the moments between crisis, between soul-shaking emotions and fist-clenching rapid-fire thought. After a storm clears in my mind, after the winds die, and the clouds part, I see clearly. All the anxious piping voices of my demons finally cease their clamor and I can really hear myself. I can hear myself and I can hear what others tell me by their actions.
In the last 9 months, I went through several changes; I uprooted things that had been planted in me by unknowingly destructive forces and charged ahead, confident in a new sense of self. But the things  I dug out had been there so long and had grasped me so tightly that in tearing them out, I was left raw and angry; angry at the lies I had been told, angry about the wrongs done to me, and most of all, vulnerable and lost. I mourned a part of my self that had never really gotten to flourish, and did not know what to do with the remains. So for a while I sunk into a somnambulatory existence, grasping for the straws of my childhood, feeling lost and isolated and incompentant. I missed certain lessons growing up, and I didn’t know how to teach myself.
After a particularly dark day(both literally and figuratively), and tears welling from an anxiety I couldn’t articulate, I enjoyed the good company I was fortunate to have and breathed and let it pass. And that’s when this passage from 1 Corinthians appeared behind my eyes (Ya can take the Catholic out of parochial school, but....). I can’t get back what I lost. I can’t be a child again. I can’t relearn those lessons in the way that I want to. So I must accept the responsibility of the gifts I have, and the opportunities that have been granted to me, and rise to the challenge. I am indescribably lucky to have the people in my life that I do, and by allowing myself to savor that, and to realize my own potential as the determining factor in my life, then, I can do the things I have the potential to do.


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